What About Your Friends?
A Busy Lady's Thoughts on Adult Friendships
Remember that TLC song from the 90s . . . What About Your Friends . . . (you're welcome for putting this tune in your head, lol). I still remember getting the Crazy Sexy Cool CD at Tower Records in Boston sometime during 1995. It was the first time I ever went to the city. I couldn’t believe the store was a full three floors (or something like that, it’s been a few years so my memory may be off!). Of course, What About Your Friends was on TLC’s first album, Ohh…On the TLC Tip. But, none the less.
The song is on my mind because this week I finished reading The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins. Now, what does this TLC song and Mel Robbins have in common, you ask?
The Let Them Theory has a lot to unpack . . . and my mind is still spinning thinking about it (really, get a copy of this book, it’ll change your life!). There are lots of topics discussed in this masterpiece, and I could honestly give Mel Robbins a hug for writing this book. Mel Robbins’ website describes the book as “a step-by-step guide on how to stop letting other people’s opinions, drama and judgment impact your life.” And let me tell you, it is packed with advice on taking your power back.
One section in particular focuses on friendship.
Do you find it hard to make friends as an adult? I know I do. When Mel discussed this topic in her latest book, I couldn’t help myself from saying a few “Hell yeah” out loud while reading.
I want you to read The Let Them Theory, so I will not dish it all out here. But, Mel brings up a brilliant point. When we were in school, especially grade school-high school, making friends was so much easier, right? Most of us (unless you moved a lot) stayed with the same people from kindergarten through 12th grade. We learned about the same things, did the same activities, experienced gym class, the playground, the cafeteria, went to the same hangouts, etc. It was easy to be friends because of our proximity and shared experiences.
This applies to other experiences as well (although your early school years are the most significant due to the considerable growth, learning, and development that occurs during this time).
For example, when you work in the same physical location as others, you share proximity, the same annoying water cooler talk, office dramas, etc. Or when your kids are young, you might hang out with their parents as your kids are all experiencing growing up together. You find yourselves at the same sporting events, parent teacher nights, and so on.
But what about when the kids get older? Or when you work from home?
The truth is, I’ve never been good at friends, not since my teen years, and to be honest, I’m not sure how great I was at it then. I went to college full time while working full time—from associates, to bachelors, to masters, to law school. . . and for a big chunk of those years, I was also raising my kids with my husband. Grocery shopping. Cleaning the house. Writing books. Commuting a zillion hours up and down the road to work or school.
Having friends takes time. Commitment. I’m also an introvert. I never feel totally comfortable with new people. Or maybe I just don’t like shallow conversations (weather, Netflix, etc). I want to talk about other things. Like the secrets of the universe . . .
Okay, I know. I’m being dramatic. But here’s what I learned and what I’m contemplating after reading Mel’s book.
I’ve been doing the friendship thing all wrong. Chances are, you might be too.
It turns out it’s important to talk to people (I know, I know. If you are an extrovert, this post probably isn’t for you). Making friends in adulthood is not the same as when we were kids. You’ve got to work for it.
A lot of it is about just putting yourself out there. It doesn’t mean you have to hang out every second (I’ve got lots of friends I don’t always talk to, but when we do, it’s like we never skipped a beat). It doesn’t mean you have to be best friends. It just means, seek that connection. Talk to the person behind the counter at the coffee shop. Take a yoga class, a painting class, join a book club, whatever it is that interests you, where you can find your people. Then, actually talk to them! Don’t stare at your phone or rush out after. You never know where a simple hello may lead! And don’t forget about your old friends. Text them. Better yet, call them. Go out for coffee. Grab lunch.
Connection is more than a Facebook like. Sure, we’re all busy (I’m a busy lady, after all). But that doesn’t excuse us from not having any human contact!
What else? Friendships will change. Some will end. And that is okay. We all have seasons of life.
And . . .remember, you have friends yet to meet. As we grow and change, there are always more people to meet. You’ve got friends out there just waiting to meet you. But you won’t meet them on your couch.
Why am I harping on this? Because connection is important. It’s more than important. And if your anything like me, you might suck at this. Or maybe you don’t (and if you don’t, share your tips in the comments!)
Having friends is not over rated, and sadly, while our social media counts boast how many “friends” we have, how many do you truly connect with?
Friendships helps us live longer, feel better, improves our mental health . . . and those are just some of the benefits. Here’s a great article on the science behind friendship and how it impacts our brains https://www.apa.org/monitor/2023/06/cover-story-science-friendship
What about you? Do you find it hard to make friends in adulthood? What challenges do you face in the friendship department?
Till Next Time,
Sarah
AKA A Busy Lady
P.S. I’m in the thick of it writing my new novel,Tune In. I’m learning that writing about a pop star is both incredibly fun (and also super hard!). Send coffee! And check out this cool poster artist Ed Stover made for the book! Of course, the cover is still a secret. I’ve got to finish writing the book before I reveal that ;)
In other news . . . I have some events coming up for All These Threads of Time. Check out my Instagram for the latest. I’m really excited that ATTOT (which is my love letter to the 80s) is still going strong, showing up at #26 last week on Amazon’s Bestsellers for Teen & YA Sci Fi Mysteries. Readers Favorite also gave it a five-star review.
Also, a special shout out to the Warwick Rhode Island B&N that supports local authors like no other! I’m still in shock to see it on the shelf when I visit and am grateful for their support as well as all the support I’ve received from all of you! If you’ve read the novel and loved it, please drop me a line and let me know! I’d love to know what the story meant to you.
Last but not least, it's a cold winter here in New England. Here’s a playlist to help beat the winter blues! A word of warning - it’s an eclectic mix!
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Sarah, I listened to Amy Porterfields talk with Mel, as well as Oprah’s on this book. I plan to read. Good to know I can chat with you about it, because I already have a few questions… I agree with you about the friends thing.
I’ve always been hesitant. When I worked for the CW television network I had to attend a party where all the network people and all the stars attended. It was an amazing opportunity, but I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. For as outgoing as I can be, I can also be incredibly shy. 🙈 However, the friends I do make, I tend to keep forever like luggage 😊
This is pretty fascinating because this is the exact topic of my this week’s Substack! I’m also an introvert and was pushed back from (true) friendships while in a violent relationship in college, key years in friend making. Then it became survival friends. I made some great single parent friendships that are still in my life tangentially. I don’t count socials as friendships. I have level A friends I will die for, and that circle stays small because I invest so much. They do too. If there’s an imbalance, I address that. A circle can change, but not often. Quality over quantity. I’ll check out the book!