On Mothering

Hey Readers!

Since Mother’s Day weekend is coming up, I’ve penned as special mother’s day post this week. Enjoy!

Photo by Markus Winkler on Unsplash

I first found out I was going to be a mom in a Burger King bathroom.

I was twenty-four and had just completed my bachelor’s degree. It had taken me 6 years to accomplish that task because I’d been working full time as Head Start teacher while going to school full time. My soon to be husband and I were engaged, but our wedding was scheduled a year out. I wasn’t planning on having kids yet. I was waiting for the “right time.” 

I took the test on my lunch break because I thought there was no way I was pregnant. I’ll take the test, get a negative result, stop stressing, and then my period will come. I had it all figured it out.

So, imagine my surprise when that Clear Blue Easy gave a glaring plus sign. I nearly fell down in the stall. Not only that, but when I returned to my job as an infant teacher, I returned to eight screaming babies that pleaded to be rocked, fed, and have their diapers changed. As I sat on the floor feeding one baby and gently rocking another in its bouncy chair, I worried. How was I going to do this? Me, a mom?

Photo by Dakota Corbin on Unsplash

The truth was, despite my recent accomplishment of my college degree, I felt like one banana peel slip away from the multiple stressors the families of the children in my care faced. I was living in a broken-down trailer with high student loans and a car that only ran when it wanted to. I was supposed to get a better-paying job first. Another place to live. A reliable car. How could I raise a child when I could barely take care of myself?

Today, that day in the Burger King bathroom feels so long ago. My daughter is now twenty–and well on her life adventure with a bachelor’s degree of her own, having started college at 16. My son, who is about to start high school, is quickly growing into himself as he films movies and designs video games for fun. They are bright, fun, loving kids that bring such joy to me each and every day of this life adventure we continue to be on together. So much has changed in the years since that day in the Burger King bathroom.

Photo by Benjamin Manley on Unsplash

What’s it like being a mom?

Recently, a coworker of mine announced she was having a baby. She came to me and asked, what can you tell me about being a mom? It was such a loaded question. Where to start! So much to say. I couldn’t say it all, not even in this Substack post.

Being a mother is by far the hardest yet most rewarding thing I’ve ever done. And I’ve been down every path as a mom—from working mom to stay at home mom. To be honest, the major difference in both had to do with the way people treated me. When I was a working mom, I was guilted, mostly by women, for not being home. In fact, a mom’s group once denied me membership because I worked! Can you imagine? This was in 2011. The times I was home? Well, those times—I was a “stay at home wifey” I think is how one male law school peer put it when I started law school a year later. Thank God my husband was always supportive of whatever mom I was and continue to evolve to be.

Photo by Sai De Silva on Unsplash

There’s No Handbook

The thing I’ve learned about becoming a parent is that there is no handbook. It’s a journey. An adventure. A call to the wild where you learn as you go, make a ton of mistakes, and are never sure you are doing it right. Kind of like life. We can all relate to that.

You see, becoming a parent taught me to accept my mistakes. To recognize, I’m only human. It taught me to dream. To be brave. To risk everything for my kids. To stand up to injustice. To fight for freedom. To love unconditionally. To live in the moment. To remember what it’s like to be a child. To heal.

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On Healing and Other Things Being a Mom Taught Me

As children, we look up to our parents. We see them as shining heroes that will save the day at any cost. They stand in our minds’ eye like saints with the light of heaven cast down from the sky onto them. That’s why it’s so hard when that ideal is shattered.

I’ve spent a lot of time through the years working with families in trauma as both a teacher and a lawyer. I’ve also spent a lot of time contemplating my own experiences. The one thing I’ve learned is that as adults, we blame our caregivers for our traumas, but forget that we are looking with a third eye. We’re looking back at the past, knowing the future, and often, we are looking back at an older age than our caregivers even were when they made decisions or mistakes that later haunted us. We have more knowledge and research at our fingertips. We know how the story ends. It’s easy to cast judgment with so much information. To think of all the couldas wouldas shouldas, I would have done this or that. We forget—our mothers—our fathers — all the people that mothered and fathered us, they lived in a different time. They had their own demons. Their own struggles. Their own battles. They did the best they could, even if sometimes, that meant leaving.

Photo by Boston Public Library on Unsplash

Conclusion

So, this Mother’s Day I want to leave you with this—you are loved. No matter who you are, where you are, or what relationship you have with your mother, you are loved. And remember—motherhood is about the profound connections we forge, the sacrifices we make, the nurturing spirit that knows no bounds. Whether you are a biological mother, an adoptive parent, a guardian, a mentor, a caregiver, a foster parent, your impact is immeasurable.

So, to every mother, in every corner of the world, including my own brave, wonderful, loving Mom, Happy Mother’s Day.

Your strength, your love and your resilience are the threads that weave the very fabric of humanity. 

XOXO,

A Busy Lady

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